Sometimes the best therapy session isn’t on a doctor’s schedule—it’s across the table from your BFF, latte in hand, swapping stories about your day, à la Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda.
According to research, those “just catching up” moments do more than fill your group chat—they help lower stress hormones and boost your brain’s feel-good chemistry. Science calls it the “tend and befriend” response. This framework shows that oxytocin (the bonding hormone) soothes your nervous system and tells cortisol to take a seat— meaning that venting about your brother’s girlfriend just might be the most underrated mental health hack out there.
“It’s so powerful,” Stevie Blum, a licensed therapist specializing in modern relationships, emotional intelligence, and self-trust, told The Newsette. “There are so many experiences that we encounter in life that are so unique to the female experience [and] the developmental stage that you're at while you're experiencing it.”
She explained that while we have so many players in our lives, from romantic partners to family members, the fact is that they can rarely connect with us the same way that our female friends do. Those friends are having different experiences, but are in the same developmental stage and encountering the same complex issues as you.
“There's just something about sitting down with another female friend who is expressing that vulnerability and is sort of curious about themselves that is just so alleviating,” said Stevie. “I'm going to bring my stuff to the table, and you're going to bring your stuff to the table. It might not be the same stuff, but we connect over this shared desire to have emotional intimacy in this moment.”
Essentially, our minds are hardwired, and when we find that intimacy, we connect on a very deep level. These conversations satisfy the desire to see and be seen in a way that is also regulated through a release of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. Your nervous system is relaxed, and you feel a sense of safety and joy.
Importantly, Stevie said that this doesn’t happen with all female connections, but added that jealousy, a common threat to friendship, is not the relationship killer it could appear to be. Jealousy, even with friends you love and admire, pops up for women in their 20s largely because paths are diverging more clearly.
“There’s variation in different paths and it can be an insecure time, especially if you don't personally have what you want, and with social media, it’s in your face,” said Stevie. “It can feel very challenging to be secure in your own timeline, so [jealousy] is a very natural tendency. I think everybody succumbs to it, and I think the key to navigating it is owning it and actually connecting with your friends about this.”
Stevie told The Newsette that some of the best conversations she had with friends during that phase of life came from opening up about insecurities, adding that not sharing jealousies has the potential to make you isolate yourself further. More often than not, your friends will relate to what you’re feeling.
For women craving deeper friendships, Stevie advised that it’s important to put yourself out there.
“If you want emotional intimacy, you have to take risks,” said Stevie, acknowledging that many people are scared to open up because of feeling wounded in the past. “The way that you do it is to tell yourself, ‘I can handle this, I believe in myself, and it's okay if this person can't meet me where I'm at.’ First, you build some confidence, and then you have to lead with vulnerability.”
