| Hi Carolyn: I have a dear friend who occasionally lapses into a perplexing pattern. We both have estranged adult daughters and share a camaraderie regarding these circumstances. Occasionally when she’s upset, she starts almost yelling at me, saying things like, “Well, you don’t understand because you have a husband and other children.” I’m not sure if this is true, since even if the pain of an estranged child is blunted by the existence of other children, it still HURTS — and her delivery feels almost accusatory, like I’ve done something wrong. This “method” has emerged in other areas, like, “You don’t understand because you are financially comfortable.” It makes me squirm like I’m guilty of a crime. Any advice? — I Have It “Better” I Have It “Better”: I see the pattern, but I’m not sure I see the “perplexing.” You said it yourself — your friend has no immediate family to blunt the impact of the estranged child. That is a part of the experience you don’t share. Not that it’s destiny, okay — she has agency to build out her support network in other ways — but spelled out like this, you can agree it’s significant and different, right? Now, that still doesn’t make it okay for her to almost-yell at you for it, of course — whether she’s really accusing you of something or it just feels that way. Given that she’s in this awful indefinite liminal grief space you know all too well, compassion might be the most effective response: “You’re right.” Instead of getting defensive, see it as frustration overflow and just hear her. “No, I can’t assume I understand. I’m glad you spoke up.” Because in the most basic way, she’s right: You don’t know how she feels! You wouldn’t even if you had exactly the same immediate-family sizes. It doesn’t cost you anything to grant her that and move on. It doesn’t have to mean you’re agreeing on the bigger concept of comparative suffering or entering the pain Olympics. You’re just being grateful for the reminder that her needs are different. That is, as long as you’re able and willing to be the gracious friend. Even without something heavy on our minds, we are always free to decide a relationship is ultimately a drain on our health or patience, and so it may be for you with this one. You do say your friend’s outbursts are occasional, though. That plus a pattern means you’ll have no trouble identifying it when your friend’s emotions have overwhelmed her ability to regulate them. So if her camaraderie remains valuable to you, then you can be ready with this validating, de-escalating response — and, again, instead of getting defensive, know not to take what she says to heart. Hearing you say it, that you do understand her experience is objectively different from yours, might give her less cause to exclaim it herself. | 
