| Dear Carolyn: A little over a year ago, my sweet, wonderful mother-in-law had a heart attack and died, very unexpectedly. She was only 63 and never had any heart trouble before that. We were all devastated, my husband most of all since they were very close. We’re expecting our first baby in February and couldn’t be more excited, though it’s been really hard on my husband not having his mom here for the birth of what would have been her first grandchild. Soon after she died, my father-in-law moved back to his childhood hometown where his siblings all live. Five months after moving back, he told us that he had reconnected with an old friend, “Betty,” from high school and they were getting married. Though it was a surprise, we were happy for him. We met Betty for dinner a month before the wedding, then saw her at the wedding and once in the summer. She is very friendly and nice. My husband’s aunt told us Betty is already calling herself “Busia” — the traditional grandmother name in my husband’s Polish American culture — and talking about how excited she is for her latest grandchild. This upset my husband since he doesn’t know Betty well and feels it is disrespectful to give his late mom’s title to someone else. (Betty is not Polish American.) After he told his aunt how he felt, she suggested several alternatives, but Betty said since her husband is going to be Jaja, she has to be Busia. We’re wondering how to tell Betty she’s not ever going to be “Busia” to our child, though she’s welcome to use Grandma. Should we approach my father-in-law first? We don’t want to hurt feelings or lose the relationship with my father-in-law, but my husband says this is nonnegotiable. — Anonymous | 
