This week’s world-famous news haiku competition™ is about how Intel stock soared more than 20% last Friday, eight months after the U.S. government took a 10 percent stake to prop up the firm. Try to get the famous “Intel Inside” jingle in there if you can. Send me your entry — to haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET Thursday, for consideration by your Cheddar peers.

Now: News!

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

News You Need2Know

What’s the stock market up to, eh?*

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Companies mentioned in today’s newsletter

$GOOG ( ▼ 0.06% )   $AMZN ( ▲ 1.29% )   $MSFT ( ▼ 1.12% )   $META ( ▼ 0.33% )   $NVDA ( ▼ 1.84% )   $DIS ( ▼ 0.17% )   $ORCL ( ▼ 1.28% )   $CRWV ( ▲ 8.21% )  

Why most big tech stocks fell despite crushing Wall Street expectations…

The financial world collectively held its breath yesterday because four of the so-called "Magnificent 7" tech giants decided to drop their earnings reports on the same day. And sure, technically, there was also a Fed meeting happening. But who cares about monetary policy when Mark Zuckerberg is about to tell us how many billions he's lighting on fire for AI infrastructure?

Here's the beautiful irony of Big Tech earnings: All four companies beat Wall Street expectations on both revenue AND profit. You'd think that would mean champagne corks popping and stock prices moonlighting, right?

Wrong.

The big elephant in the server room is AI spending. These companies are basically in an arms race to see who can throw the most money at the issue. Meanwhile, Alphabet CEO Sundar Pichai hopped on the earnings call to give Nvidia $NVDA ( ▼ 1.84% ) a shoutout, essentially saying, Google is going to be buying a LOT more of their chips. That’s great news for Nvidia, whose stock is somehow worth over $5 trillion again and whose earnings report in mid-May will probably cause cardiac events across Wall Street.

These companies are all printing money at rates that would make most countries jealous. Microsoft made $31.8 billion in profit in one quarter. Meta's net income was $26.77 billion. These are numbers that have lost all meaning to normal humans.

Still, in the twisted logic of the stock market, generating obscene profits while simultaneously promising to spend obscene amounts on AI apparently creates, let’s say…uncertainty.

The real winners here are the options traders (and also, the AI agent bot investors) who correctly predicted which direction these stocks would swing, post-earnings. Oh, and Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 0.2% ) reports today, so we get to do this all over again!

Quote of the Day

Fed Chair refuses to exit stage left amid tensions

Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell announced he will continue serving as a Fed governor even after his term as chair concludes on May 15th. The decision comes amid an ongoing investigation into the central bank's headquarters renovation and escalating tensions with President Trump.

"My decisions on these matters will continue to be guided entirely by what I believe is in the best interest of the institution and the people we serve," Powell said during his post-meeting press conference.

Powell didn't shy away from addressing the elephant in the room: Trump's relentless criticism. He called the attacks "unprecedented in our 113-year history," warning they're "battering the institution and putting at risk" the Fed's ability to operate free from political influence.

While markets largely expected the Fed to hold rates steady, the real drama centered on Powell's future. With two years remaining on his governor seat, Powell's choice to stay temporarily blocks Trump from securing a majority on the seven-member Board of Governors.

As Kevin Warsh prepares for confirmation as the new chair, Powell promises to "keep a low profile" — but his presence will speak volumes.

Taylor Swift trademarks her voice amid AI threats

Just when you thought Taylor Swift had conquered everything, she's now taking on AI. Swift filed trademark applications Friday for two audio clips of her voice and an iconic Eras Tour image featuring her signature pink guitar and sequined look.

"Attempting to register a celebrity's spoken voice is a new use of trademark registration that has not been tested in court before," noted trademark attorney Josh Gerben, talking to CNN.

These filings could let her sue anyone using AI voices that sound like the registered clips.

"AI technologies now allow users to generate entirely new content that mimics an artist's voice without copying an existing recording, creating a gap that trademarks may help fill," Gerben explained.

With over 300 trademark applications already filed, Swift isn't playing games. She's building a legal fortress, one "Taylor’s Version” at a time.

Your move, robots.