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The Sexual Currency of Relationships is Abuse
And how having to trade sex for relationship peace is a desire killer and coercive.
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Before we start, I have a quick favor to ask. I’m running a new survey on waiting in relationships and I’d love your input. You can fill it in here. Thank you!
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Today I want to talk to you about a form of sexual abuse that is rarely acknowledged in relationships because men still confuse commitment with ownership. Most women who suffer from its prevalence also fail to register it as abuse, although it increasingly distresses them to the point of ruining their emotional and mental health, just as the relationship also gets ruined. It’s the sex currency of relationships (heterosexual ones, at least, although the pattern can sometimes occur in same-sex couples too, but more rarely).
What do we mean by the sexual currency of relationships? The emotional dynamic where the woman needs to buy her partner’s goodwill by consenting to sex she doesn’t really want to have.
As my friend Abby Eckel puts it, it’s the dynamic where men claim women are withholding sex, but in reality it’s the men who withhold relationship participation until and if they receive sex.
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In this essay, I will explain:
how the sex currency works;
why the sexual currency of most relationships is abuse;
how common this is;
why men don’t get it and don’t want to get it;
how it impacts women’s mental wellbeing;
how it irredeemably damages the relationship.
I will also dive into the therapeutic concept of sexual currency developed by Dr. Karen Gurney, the author of Mind the Gap (and other books). I respect Dr. Gurney immensely for the awareness work she is doing around the orgasm gap and sexual health in general, and the otherwise sound advice she is giving to couples who are struggling with diminishing desire.
But I also think there’s a piece of the puzzle missing from her perspective on the sexual currency, and I will try to address that here...
