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Today’s our annual all-staff meeting at The Bulwark, where we’ll get together to plot and gameplan how we hope to keep growing and rising to the challenge of the current moment. Which means if you’ve got feedback about how we’re doing, there’s no better time than the present to drop it in the comments!
Thank you all for coming along with us—and nobody break any news while we’re brainstorming. Happy Thursday.
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A Conversation in the White House Mess
by William Kristol
When I woke up this morning, I’d had a dream. A dinner guest in the White House mess last night was seated not far from a corner table consisting of White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, and OMB Director Russell Vought. He’d surreptitiously recorded their conversation, as one does. And he’d provided the recording to The Bulwark, as one should. Here it is.
Wiles: Thanks for staying late, but this is important. I think it’s time to move against Elon.
Miller [interrupting]: Our very own purge! Our Night of the Long Knives! Great! Elon’s been so bad on the H1B visas. And he doesn’t really get that The Greatest Mass Deportation in American History will be the keystone, the jewel in the crown, the . . .
Wiles: Hey, Stephen. Calm down.
Yes, Elon has to go. Tony just came out of the field, and he says the CNN poll is basically right. Our numbers are sinking. The boss is down to 45 percent approval and Elon’s at 35 percent. He’s killing us. Thirty percent of our own supporters don’t like him.
Vought [interrupting]: And neither do I, Susie. I was praying on this the other day . . .
Wiles: Right, Russ, thanks. Anyway, as Tony put it, Elon’s our problem, not the Democrats.
He told the boss this, and luckily the last couple of days had already driven the boss over the edge. The boss has always been careful about not touching Social Security, and suddenly Elon’s popping off about cutting entitlements and shutting down Social Security phone services. Jesus!—Oh, sorry, no offense Russ. But I mean, Holy Christ!—Oops, sorry again, Russ. Anyway, those are our voters who call Social Security on the phone. I went to the boss to get his OK to overturn that idiotic idea. The boss signed off, and that’s when I figured I could sell him on the bigger plan. And he did.
Vought [interrupting]: The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh . . .
Wiles: Thanks, Russ. Anyway, the boss gave us the green light. It’s funny, you know what he hates the most about Musk? That he brings his little kid everywhere. We did that ridiculous Tesla promotion for Elon, in return for the pledge of $100 million, and the boss is making remarks, it’s going fine—and that kid is standing five feet away stealing the show. What’s that about? Elon wants to upstage the boss. And the boss is sick of it. I’m a mom, and I’m sick of that kid, too . . .
Vought [interrupting]: Well of course every child is a child of God, Susie, as you know, from conception to . . .
Wiles: Got it, Russ.
Vought: But it was smart of you to give him that piece a few weeks back by that lunatic Jonathan Last, about how Musk’s working to have DOGE to replace MAGA as the #1 brand. I know the boss stewed on that for a while. He brought it up to me when I was trying to get him to focus on OMB memo #372, which was really an important one . . .
Wiles: Thanks, Russ. Anyway, the boss knows you had it all worked out, taking control of the power agencies and purging the civil service—and that Elon’s shock-and-awe bullshit has made it more difficult. We’ll still get there, but Elon’s a loose cannon. And there’s only room for one loose cannon on our deck. So we’re ready to go with our little purge.
Miller [interrupting]: A purge! Wonderful. Ah, die Nacht der langen Messer! My fondest dream, my . . .
Wiles: Thanks, Stephen.
OK, so I need your help, guys. I’ll handle leaks to the press about how DOGE is screwing up. But what I need from you, Russ, is examples of how we had plans all worked out and then DOGE barged in and has gotten everything tied up in the courts and is creating a backlash.
Stephen, your lovely bride Katie is doing a great job as a double agent over there at DOGE. She needs to leak more embarrassing stuff about those insane 25-year-olds Elon’s brought in.
And we need lots of “spontaneous” expressions from MAGA world about how Musk is trying to upstage the boss and how DOGE is putting immigration on the back burner and all that. Bannon’s working this. And I’ve got Kash taking a look at creating some legal problems for Elon.
God damn it—sorry, Russ!—we worked 12 hours a day, seven days a week, for four years to get here. And this guy barges in, boasts about how he won Pennsylvania for us—total bullshit, we won all the swing —then he talks the boss into this DOGE insanity. The tariff stuff is bad enough. I have to spend hours every day calming the Wall Street guys down. But at least that’s the boss’s own insanity. We’ll get him to back off on that eventually. But Elon’s gotta go.
Vought [interrupting]: It’s going to be messy to get rid of him. “God is not mocked. A man reaps what he sows . . .”
Wiles: Thanks, Russ.
Yeah, it’s gonna be complicated. But I think I’ve got it figured out. Gotta go. I’ve got calls with Bannon, Kash, and Roger Stone in the next hour. You don’t even want to know about this part. But help me out, guys. And not a word, especially to JD. He’s just Elon’s puppy. Pathetic. Anyway, mum’s the word. The plot’s the thing, wherein we’ll act to save our MAGA king.
Exeunt, stage right.
AROUND THE BULWARK
A lot of righteous anger on the site today!
Pete Hegseth’s Climate Change ‘Crap’ . . . General Mark Hertling writes: The secretary of defense chooses to ignore a major national security threat.
Mahmoud Khalil Has Rights, Dammit . . . Mona Charen can’t defend what he said, but she’ll defend his right to say it.
Trump Doubles Down on the Forever Drug War . . . If people thought Iraq and Afghanistan were drawn-out quagmires, just wait until the military takes on the cartels, argues Will Selber.
Democrats Want to Break Elon by Making Him Poorer . . . Lauren Egan reports: “The Tesla Takedown movement has been a success. Dems want it to grow even bigger.”
Quick Hits
SHUTDOWN CHICKEN: The next 36 hours will demonstrate whether the Senate Democrats have a bit of fight in them after all. Minority Leader Chuck Schumer vowed Wednesday that Senate Democrats will oppose the government-funding bill House Rep