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In no imaginable universe would I ever put myself forward for a reality TV show.
OK, maybe Gogglebox, but that's only because, like most Australians, I fancy that I'm an undiscovered stand-up comedian and also because it's a job I could do sitting on the couch eating crisps. I was born for that.
But certainly, none of the rest of them and especially not the one show that my son has positively nagged us to go on: the infrequently broadcast gladiatorial parenting show, Parental Guidance, in which families with self-described distinct parenting styles battle each other to be recognised as best practice.
There's the authoritarian, the free range, the spiritual and the "team" styles, among many others. They all have their eyebrow raising eccentricities and their advantages. But the one thing they all have in common is that parenting and being devoted to their children — even the free range ones — is the centre of their lives.
Not for them the family life of my generation: harried parents who kicked you out of the house after breakfast and didn't expect to see you 'til dinner, and who would be speechless if you looked to them to not only feed and house you, but also advise, entertain, comfort and
"snowplough" for you.
This approach to child rearing lands as indulgent, disabling and preposterous to parents from a time when reproduction was just that — making more humans until they left home and made more humans themselves. Such parenting is blamed for pampered young adults who "fail to launch"
and many apparently less independent young adults.
So this is where new surveys by the Pew Research Centre in the US
land with an unexpectedly happy thud, showing that yes, many parents are highly involved in their young adult children's lives but the clear majority of them, and their children, are very happy about it.
Further, the surveys show that these kids are nonetheless achieving certain milestones of independence even while they remain closely connected to their parents.
A cluster of interdependent changes have aided the shift: tech and telephony advancements that make staying in touch cheaper and easier; changing gender roles and expectations that have seen more fathers taking on (some) greater caregiving responsibilities; and the major social change of the abandonment of authoritarianism as the prevailing parental style.
Not that every parent wants to be a best friend, but I'd wager that very few wield the straps that were common in my generation's households.
Child rearing is now an entire way of life. It's a choice and an embrace of making a highly connected life with the humans you create because, if it works, it brings mutual joy and closeness. It's the same reason why many people are very reasonably opting not to have children: it's not just because of the cost, it's because the expectation is now of a continuing close and committed life experience that isn't for everyone.
Now, you don't have to yell — I can hear your groans from here, accusing modern parenting of creating a generation that lacks grit or life skills. And yes, I've also seen the less healthy side of parental over-involvement that rivals even the Boomers in its desperate desire to be seen as persistently youthful.
But it is sneaky sophistry to argue this and airily ignore the economic realities that underpin this complete change in parenting. I could — and did — run out the door with my sister at the age of 19, with zero money in the bank but three casual shifts at Woolworths in my diary — and make a go of it.
Somewhere deep inside, my angry parents knew that too: my sister and I would be able to ask the world to provide for us if we offered the fair exchange of our labour.
But that was at a time when mortgage — or rent — requirements sat at about 30 per cent of my income, and I was on a pauper's wage: a full-time university student supporting myself on three five-hour shifts.
In the early '60s, household debt-to-income ratios were around 20 per cent; they crept up a little for me in the '80s: now they sit at around 190 per cent — that's an increase of 850 per cent over my lifetime. With all other costs hurtling skyward as well.
And while Australia never broadcast the classic New York city television PSA
asking if you knew where your kids were at 10pm, that would have been a reasonable question in my youth. Maybe I was in bed; or maybe I'd crammed myself into a friend's brother's Torana and we were hightailing it to the Crystal Ballroom in St Kilda to try to sneak past security. We were 16.
The shadow cast by that sort of history provides the other, more heartening side of the discussion, which is: What's the point of doing this at all if you don't really do it?
The Pew research records parents noting that they like their kids, that they are fun to be with. The kids said they value the advice and life experience their parents share with them.
Oddly, all of this sounds more like a much older, pre-Boomer way of growing up, when generations shared houses and helped each other grow up.
But you can never quite escape your own past. There's a part of me that cringes when I hear dads describe their grown sons as their "best mate" and the enmeshed mother/daughter relationship can truly be one of the most toxic. But then, that's what a kid from the "do you know where your children are" generation would say, isn't it?
If the alternative is a staunch and loving parent who is always in your corner and always up for a coffee, a yoga session and a bit of advice, it's hard to see the downside.
This weekend we have a delightful selection of long reads for you, including from our very own Mary McGillivray on the remarkable connection between Australia — and the enduring gifts of the Felton Bequest
— and the masterpiece tapestry, The Lady and the Unicorn.
Have a safe and happy weekend and as I cast around with a little envy at all the marvellous acts music festival-starved music festival goers have been able to fall into, I find myself pulling out the CDs (oh yes, still CDs) of the acts I wish I had the time to see myself. I hear PJ was epic. When is she never?
Enjoy this and go well. |
