| Adapted from an online discussion. Hi Carolyn: My spouse of 35-plus years and I are at an impasse regarding my parent, who is often difficult to be around. Critical, passive aggressive, plausibly deniable remarks are their most common transgression. My spouse feels I do not “have their back” when my parent acts up. The problem is that I don’t usually recognize the comment my parent makes as so obviously offensive. It just seems like an old cranky person venting some nonsense that goes in one ear and out the other, then I learn after the fact from an unhappy spouse that they took my parent’s words as a sly dig against them. For example, my spouse interprets a story my parent tells complaining about someone else as a veiled reference to my spouse. Or my spouse will take as a personal insult my parent’s generic, apropos of nothing statement of distaste for a food item that is similar to something my spouse prepared for all of us to eat. Often the episodes happen when I am not around. After my spouse unloads on me, I am told “Don’t say anything” to my parent. We have already cut back to seeing my parent only a couple of times per year (fine by me) in small doses, but we will need more frequent, longer doses over the next few months. We need a strategy to deal with it because my spouse is very upset with me for “not being willing to defend” them. They say they no longer intend to hold their tongue and “of course” I should know that my parent “intends these comments as insults” and there is “no other interpretation.” I’m just not that perceptive. My spouse bristles at the idea of ignoring these comments so as not to give them oxygen. I’d be grateful for any guidance you can share. — Anonymous | 
