My Partner Fired a Gun in Our Home. Was I Wrong to Take It Away?My partner recently purchased a handgun for self-defense amid concerns about the federal government’s actions in our community. The firearm has brought her significant peace of mind, and she has been practicing regularly to become more comfortable with it. I was unaware that her practice involved chambering a live round until recently, when while practicing at home with a live round in the chamber, she felt an overwhelming compulsion to pull the trigger that she could not resist. The gun discharged, putting a hole in our wall. Thankfully, neither of us nor our two cats were injured. I have since taken possession of the handgun, because I am profoundly uncomfortable with the situation. We have talked through our feelings; she is deeply embarrassed and remorseful. She has been in therapy since before this happened and has taken a professional training course. I want her to retain the security the gun provides, but I am terrified of a recurrence in our shared home. How should we proceed? Am I wrong to have taken temporary control of the firearm? What is the right balance between supporting her autonomy and ensuring the safety of our household? — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: Autonomy involves the capacity to make reasonable decisions for yourself. Someone who feels an irresistible compulsion to fire a live round has shown diminished autonomy, and should not be in charge of a lethal weapon. Nor do I see this as a problem more training would solve. She wasn’t a beginner, wondering which end was dangerous. She was practicing regularly and growing comfortable with the weapon when, with a live round chambered, she felt an irresistible impulse to squeeze the trigger. Familiarity produced neither control nor cool mastery. It produced a hole in the wall. Alongside your partner’s worrisome compulsion, it would appear, is a perplexing belief system. How, exactly, does she believe that owning a handgun will help her or others in your community fend off the government’s actions? You say you want her to retain the security the gun provides, and yet her sense of security comes at a cost to her actual security. States with higher household gun ownership have higher rates of fatal law-enforcement shootings, especially of people who were armed with guns. Packing heat doesn’t protect you from state power; it increases your odds of being its victim. At the very least, the question of whether there should be a gun in a home should be subject to deliberation and consent, not something one party imposes on the other. Your partner ought to provide you with a cogent explanation of why she wants a gun in the first place. The disquiet you feel is justified. Why should her sense of security be maintained at the expense of yours? Thoughts? If you would like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other readers in the next newsletter, fill out this form.
Readers RespondThe previous question was from a reader who believed a person was living in the storage unit next to hers and wondered whether she should report it to the management. She wrote: I’m a woman in my 30s, and I rent a small unit from a national storage chain on the outskirts of Los Angeles. … The first few times I went to move my things in, everything seemed normal. On my third trip, there was a man in the unit directly across from mine … As I approached, he pulled down a makeshift curtain of old plastic sheeting hung on a rope where the door would close. I was too surprised to get a good look inside, but I did see a large jar of yellow liquid and a semi-used roll of toilet paper, along with floor-to-ceiling bags and boxes that looked as if they had been there for many years. … On almost every subsequent visit of mine, he has been in there. … Do I listen to my discomfort and approach management, or do I try to let it go? Los Angeles isn’t affordable, and getting his unit revoked could put him in a much worse situation. … What’s the ethical thing to do? — Name Withheld In his response, the Ethicist noted: I can understand why you want to cut your storage-unit neighbor some slack. That doesn’t mean you should feel obliged to ignore your unease, or that a storage unit is a proper form of shelter. Poor ventilation, lack of sanitation, improvised heating or cooking and temperature fluctuations can create hazards for the person living there and for others using the facility. So there’s an argument for alerting the managers. But the least disruptive first step would be to ask for another unit in a different hallway. If you’re pressed for an explanation, you can say that another renter’s regular presence near your unit has made it hard for you to use the space the way you normally would, without offering any speculations about him. Obviously, if you come to feel threatened, it’s another story. Until then, asking to move yourself, rather than trying to get him removed, is probably the most humane course, and the one most likely to preserve your peace of mind. (Reread the full question and answer here.) ⬥ Whether or not this man is living in his unit, he is making the letter writer uncomfortable. Women need to listen to their gut more and trust their instincts. The letter writer is decades younger than I am, but I recognized the same socialization in her letter — guilt, making excuses for the other person, putting his possible needs (she really does not know) ahead of her own. She needs to think about her own safety first. Of course, I hope that this man is not living in a storage unit, but if he is, that is not a safe situation for himself or for others. We have a housing crisis in this country, and blaming those who are being affected is not the answer — getting them sheltered is. But the letter writer cannot do that and must consider her own safety first. — Christine ⬥ This guy is not bothering anyone. Mind your own business and just ignore him like he’s ignoring you. — Megan ⬥ Years ago I worked in an office where, for years, a man would enter and sleep after the staff had gone home, leaving without a trace before people returned. Few staff members even knew he existed, or that the boss was honoring an arrangement made by the previous tenant. We became friends. Shy but apparently well educated, he’d had a career in international finance but fell on hard times. After a year or so he found an affordable apartment; I had the privilege of helping him move into his new digs. We have lost touch, but that episode will always stay with me as a lesson in finding survival and grace amid life-altering challenges. And in finding friendship where you would least expect it. — Mary Jane ⬥ I agree with the Ethicist that if the writer feels she must protect herself, then asking to move to another hall is the least disruptive option. But I have to question why she feels so unsafe. Not having a permanent home doesn’t, in and of itself, make someone a dangerous presence. If the letter writer wants to feel comfortable spending time in her unit, my advice to her would be to say hello; make a comment about the weather or something else innocuous. Talking to him as a normal human being would make the situation far more comfortable for both of them. His mind might be greatly relieved to have a friendly neighbor instead of one who pretends he doesn’t exist. — Maureen ⬥ The storage unit is being used improperly by this man, and he needs to go. It’s a slippery slope when rules aren’t enforced, and I feel that the current state of many cities is a product of a lack of adherence to rules and laws. Yes, the man will be forced into the streets, but at least people can go to their storage unit and feel safe — and that’s a good start. As a society, we have been too lax. We have normalized that our parks, our downtowns, libraries and more are no longer safe, but places we have to avoid or visit with caution. By banning homeless people from places they shouldn’t be, we may be forced to make the next step to an actual solution. — Leslie
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