This week’s world-famous-news-haiku-competition™ is all about how gambling companies have had to make record payouts because World Cup players have been scoring so many pesky goals. Send me your entry—to haiku at cheddar dot com—by noon ET Thursday, for consideration by your Cheddar peers. (Don’t worry if you get a bounceback email. The mailbox is working, it’s just been inundated with haikus lately, thank Goodness!)

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

News you Need2Know

What’s the stock market up to, eh?

$SPX ( ▲ 0.72% )   $DJI ( ▲ 0.29% )   $NDX ( ▲ 1.59% )  

Companies mentioned in today’s newsletter

$DELL ( ▲ 4.43% )   $MSFT ( ▼ 0.96% )   $NFLX ( ▼ 2.1% )   $CART ( ▲ 3.43% )   $PM ( ▲ 1.37% )   $RAI ( 0.0% )   $TSLA ( ▲ 6.69% )   $NSANY ( ▲ 2.84% )  

Stock market opens at White House

In a historic first, the opening bells for both the New York Stock Exchange and Nasdaq were rung directly from the Oval Office on Monday. Why? Because President Donald Trump decided the best way to celebrate the official launch of Trump Accounts — his new federally backed children's savings program — was to bring Wall Street right to his desk.

Seeded with a $1,000 Treasury deposit for eligible young children, the White House boldly predicts these assets could swell to seven figures by the time kids reach their late 20s. Realistically, they’ll be worth $15k in 29 years according to my trusty compound interest calculator. But the idea is to stimulate a savings habit.

Gathering a crowd of reporters, officials, and toddlers in the Oval Office, Trump credited the booming stock market under his presidency for the program's massive potential. "They can have a lot of money," he promised, adding, "It’s going to go up. I think the market’s going to go through the roof."

Trump also personally thanked big-name donors like Michael and Susan Dell of Dell Technologies $DELL ( ▲ 4.43% ) , who contributed $6.25 billion to the savings program. He used the moment to offer some helpful and totally unbiased consumer advice: "Go out and buy a Dell computer," Trump suggested, adding, "He’s not doing it for that, but I’ll bet his business brand has gotten even bigger."

And as for why the program shares his name? Trump admitted it wasn't his idea, but he was told it would "sell better.”

Quote of the day

Microsoft cuts 3,000 jobs in its Xbox division

Remember when everyone was stuck inside during the pandemic, and gaming companies assumed we would never touch grass again? Well, the bill has arrived. Microsoft $MSFT ( ▼ 0.96% ) is hacking off 3,200 jobs — roughly one-fifth of its entire Xbox division.

It turns out that spending billions on Activision Blizzard to feed Game Pass, which is Microsoft's Netflix-style $NFLX ( ▼ 2.1% )  subscription service designed to let gamers stream or download a rotating library of titles, didn't magically summon subscribers. The tech giant confidently projected Game Pass would reach a whopping 77 million subscribers this year. Instead, they are sitting on a measly 30 million. If that wasn't embarrassing enough, Xbox revenue fell 5% last quarter, and its profit margin plummeted to a depressing 3%.

Enter newly minted Xbox Chief Executive Asha Sharma. Despite having zero video game experience — her previous gig was running Instacart $CART ( ▲ 3.43% ) — she’s here to deliver the tough love. In a Monday staff memo, Sharma declared, “Our business today is not healthy” and admitted Game Pass “did not grow at the pace we expected.” Her grand solution? “We must reset XBOX.”

And how do you reset a multi-billion-dollar gaming empire? By turning it off and on again, obviously laying off thousands, spinning off or selling game development studios, raising console prices due to memory chip shortages, and keeping new Call of Duty games off the subscription service so gamers actually have to pay full price. Instead of risking money on new blockbusters, they are doubling down on Candy Crush and trying to recruit independent developers to use their PC digital store.

Best of luck to those who are losing their jobs.

NASDAQ rises in big week for tech stocks

Tech stocks are kicking off the week on a high note, with the NASDAQ composite rising nearly 1%  $NDAQ ( ▼ 0.22% ) as optimistic traders eagerly brush off the AI anxieties that have jolted the market in recent weeks. This newfound confidence is about to face a series of trials that will test the market's true appetite for the AI trade over the coming week.

First up is South Korean chip giant Samsung $SSNLF ( ▲ 116.8% ) , which is scheduled to share its highly anticipated second-quarter update. Just a few days later, South Korean chipmaker SK Hynix will launch its colossal $29 billion U.S. stock-market listing, which is set to be one of the largest share sales in history. Meanwhile, SpaceX’s  $SPCX ( ▼ 0.98% ) fast-track entry into the Nasdaq-100 is poised to spark an immediate flurry of trading.

Outside of tech, macroeconomic shifts are keeping investors on their toes. On Wednesday, the Federal Reserve will release minutes from its first meeting under Chairman Kevin Warsh, which traders will parse for interest rate clues. Oil prices are also edging lower after OPEC+ agreed to raise production for a fifth straight month.

It is going to be a very busy week on Wall Street.

Song of the Day: Goldie Boutilier, ‘How to be a lover’