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The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section.
Careers
MADDEN SCOUT: The New York Jets owner Woody Johnson reportedly vetoed a trade for a wide receiver last offseason because of the player’s rating on the Madden video game, according to The Athletic. When the receiver heard about this, he thought, “Thank God.”
COP OF POP: Elton John told Time magazine that he opposes legalizing marijuana in the US and Canada. OK—but you can’t Rocket Man with just Adderall.
BACKYARD PALEONTOLOGIST: Someone in New York found a mastodon jaw in their backyard while gardening, the first discovery of its kind in the state in more than 11 years. Finding teeth in your yard doesn’t always have a happy ending like this.
Personal
FILM BUFF WANTED: Iconic films like Dirty Dancing, Beverly Hills Cop, and Spy Kids will be added to the National Film Registry this year. Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan is also being added to the list, making it the first Star Trek movie to be archived.
GRAB ME A TOY: Fed up with never getting a prize from the claw machine? Hong Kong’s on it. After receiving complaints, the city’s consumer watchdog will review regulations on claw machines, saying they “capitalize on consumers' enthusiasm for testing their luck.”
For sale
BUNKER BUTTER: Poland’s butter supply is spread a little thin, so the country dipped into its butter reserve to sell roughly 1,102 tons of frozen butter through an auction. A potential shortage of such a vital ingredient could be catastrophic, but the phrase “butter reserve” makes it seem like there’s trouble in Cookie Kingdom.
SKIBIDI SKIN: Fortnite’s X account hinted that the viral internet series “Skibidi Toilet” would be coming to the battle royale game in January. Don’t let your dad read that—he will short-circuit.
CARTWHEEL CHILAQUILES: GOAT gymnast Simone Biles will open a Tex-Mex restaurant called “Taste of Gold” in the Houston airport. The dining spot will capitalize on the airport Olympics of eating as much cheese as possible before racing to your gate.—MM
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